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Doucheclosure Press presents

To Serve
Crab People

“It’s a cookbook!”

A man went on the world’s biggest podcast and described killing a crustacean-like non-human entity. We believe him completely. Our only question — the question no congressional hearing has had the stomach to ask — is what happened to the body. There was no cooler. There was no Tupperware. This book is our formal response: 111 real, fully cookable recipes for terrestrial crab, lobster, or whatever Jason left behind.

CLASSIFIED PROGRAM BUDGET: $1,100,000,000 $5 one-time • instant download • zero tritium

BUY THE COOKBOOK — $5

Instant delivery. Reads on phone, tablet, laptop, or bunker terminal.

What’s Inside The File

Declassified Sample — Recipe No. 1

First Contact Crab Cakes

The first thing they teach you in the secret culinary program they deny exists: when an entity reaches for you, reach for the Old Bay.

  • 1 lb lump crab-person meat, picked over for shell fragments and dog tags (civilian sub: jumbo lump crab)
  • 1 egg • ¼ cup mayo • 1 tsp Dijon • 1 tsp Worcestershire
  • 1½ tsp Old Bay • ½ cup crushed saltines • chives • butter • lemon

Form six plump cakes. Chill 30 minutes so they hold together under interrogation. Sear in butter 3–4 minutes per side. Serve with lemon and total deniability.

Field note: If your cakes fall apart, they were compromised from within. Add one more tablespoon of mayo and trust no one.

That's one. There are 110 more behind the five-dollar door.

Sworn Testimony

“I made the Non-Disclosure Bisque for my book club. We are no longer legally permitted to discuss it, which has honestly improved book club.” — Verified purchaser, name sealed by the court
“The recipes are real. I checked. That's the most unsettling part.” — A food blogger who wishes to remain anonymous and also believed
“Finally, a cookbook that asks the hard questions, then smothers them in a dark roux.” — Committee member, allegedly present
“Five stars. The claw on the Bloody Mary faced my guest the entire brunch. He confessed to things.” — Host, undisclosed location

Frequently Interrogated Questions

Is this real?
The recipes are. All 111 cook exactly as written using the listed civilian substitutions (lobster or lump crab), which are indistinguishable from crab-person in every testable respect. The rest is parody, protected by the First Amendment and a great deal of butter.
What do I actually get for $5?
The complete interactive digital cookbook — 111 recipes, 21 chapters, clickable table of contents, the butcher's diagram, the letters, the index, the whole file. Yours forever. Reads in any browser.
Will buying this put me on a list?
You're already on it. Buying this just makes the list funnier.
Is it cannibalism?
Our attorneys note the question presupposes facts not in evidence. Our chaplain notes you should finish your plate.
Do you have tritium?
No. And tell your friend with the hat to stop asking.

The Tupperware Guarantee

If this cookbook does not make you laugh, feed you well, and permanently change how you hear the word “disclosure,” we will refund your five dollars and be disappointed in you, specifically, by name, forever. That is the deal. It comes in every size.

He gave humanity disclosure.
We gave it drawn butter.

INSERT FIVE COINS — GET THE COOKBOOK

111 RECIPES • 21 CHAPTERS • ONE UNRECOVERED BODY • ZERO FUCKING LEFTOVERS