← THE ARCADE  /  SLOT A2  /  MANTIS BEING COUPLES COUNSELING

Doucheclosure Wellness Division • Recorded live at an undisclosed marriage retreat

Mantis Being
Couples Counseling

Six years together. He is nine feet tall, telepathic, and patient in a way that frightens the neighbors. You are a person who "needs words." Every couple hits this wall — yours simply has raptorial forelimbs and arrived during the wall. Dr. Haldessa Vyne, LMFT (licensed in three dimensions), will see you now. Session One is free. Bring nothing. He already knows.

Session One: "He Says You Never Listen"

DR. VYNE'S OFFICE • HOUR 1 OF 1
RESONANCE: 50%

The Full Eight-Session Program

  1. 01"He Says You Never Listen" — intake, resonance baseline, the wave that smells like ozone.FREE — ABOVE
  2. 02His Family: They Are Legion — and they are coming for the holidays. All of them. The sky will be wrong for days.FULL PROGRAM
  3. 03The Thermostat Accords — he requires 58°F. You require "not a meat locker." A summit, with blankets.FULL PROGRAM
  4. 04Money — he has never paid for anything and, structurally, cannot. And yet the garage is organized. Discuss.FULL PROGRAM
  5. 05The Silent Treatment vs. Telepathic Static — learning to tell the difference before Thanksgiving does it for you.FULL PROGRAM
  6. 06Co-Managing the Egg Sac — it is not "a phase," it is 400 nieces, and boundaries are love.FULL PROGRAM
  7. 07His Ex — we don't say her name. He still tracks her light patterns. This is the hard one.FULL PROGRAM
  8. 08Renewal of Vows at the Original Abduction Site — where it all began: the beam, the light, and you, unafraid, asking if he was cold.FULL PROGRAM

The Full Program — $5

One ticket, both of you, forever: Session One (owner's edition, offline), the KNOW YOUR PARTNER relationship file — six years, one dried plate, forty thousand replays of the night you met — the full eight-session curriculum, and the tool below, worth the ticket by itself.

THE JOINT SESSION — a weekly check-in for any two beings. A genuinely useful relationship tool from the Doucheclosure Wellness Division: draw three check-in cards a week from a deck of 64 real questions, take turns with a two-minute uninterrupted speaking timer (a chime, not a claw, ends your turn), then reflect back what you heard. Streak tracking included, because consistency is a love language.

Built on the actual bones of good couples practice — appreciation, friction, repair, dreams — and species-neutral by design. It will work on your spouse. It will work on your business partner. It will work on nine feet of telepathic patience who just wants to know you'd ask, again, if he was cold.

BUY THE FULL PROGRAM — $5

Instant download • works offline • he already has his copy. he's been waiting for you.