UNDISCLOSED LOCATION — Investigators with the Doucheclosure Standards Desk confirmed today what home cooks across the nation have quietly feared for months: at no point in the now-legendary crustacean encounter was ice involved.
Not a cooler. Not a bag of gas-station ice. Not so much as a damp towel from the trunk, which experts describe as “the absolute floor” of responsible carcass management.
“We believe the witness completely,” said a Desk spokesperson. “That has never been the issue. The issue is that a specimen of incalculable scientific and culinary value reached ambient temperature on American soil, and nobody has answered for it.”
A timeline assembled from public statements suggests a window of several hours between the encounter and any conceivable refrigeration event. Food-safety guidance is unambiguous on this point: cooked or raw, terrestrial or otherwise, two hours at room temperature is the limit. Beyond that, per the USDA and every grandmother in the Chesapeake region, you are no longer in possession of evidence. You are in possession of regret.
The Pentagon declined to comment on whether a cooler was available. Sources close to the matter indicate a cooler is always available. There is one in every American garage. Twelve percent contain nothing but a single ancient freezer pack shaped like a fish, waiting, as if for this exact moment.
Reached for comment, the sea said nothing, which the Desk noted is consistent with its testimony to date.
The Watch continues. It will continue every day until somebody produces a receipt for ice, a Tupperware lid of any size, or the remains. The Desk would additionally accept a bib.
Developing.
The formal response is 111 recipes long.
READ ABOUT THE COOKBOOK — $5